My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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