dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
