there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
