Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
