I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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