omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
