Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
