Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
