Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
