I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
