Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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