we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
