somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
