So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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