I swear god or herbie drove my car home
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
