if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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