Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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