Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
