There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
