True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
