Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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