Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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