My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
