If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
