how can u be prego again
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
