mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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