If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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