I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if only i could text you this smell
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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