guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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