tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
