My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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