I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
