Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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