Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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