Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
