We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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