Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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