ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
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