oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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