I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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