What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
