I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
