You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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