halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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