He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
