I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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