My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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