i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
