I haven't been this sober since birth.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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