I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
