I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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